MOVING OUT

HI GUYS. I've got a dayre account now! 

Dayre.me/rachelsugarrush so I'm going to stop blogging here ): 

It took me quite awhile to think if I should stop blogging here because. *sniff* all the memories *sniffsniff*

But dayre is so much more convenient and it loads a lot faster as well!! So. Yup, I'm shifting!!! 

Thanks for reading my blog by the way haha *does heart shape sign over head*

I don't know when it got so bad. Probably because it so slowly ate up my mind and occupied all my thoughts. It might not have been my main thought, not something I concentrate on fully or anything, but I could always feel it there, like a niggling voice in mind. It's always telling me that I'm above average size. I'm too fat. Telling me that the folds on my tummy are a disgrace to my body. The size of my thighs could not possibly fit into skinny jeans. My arms look terribly huge in singlets and spaghetti straps. My butt sticks out too much and takes up too much space. My calves are so unnaturally big and they make me look ugly in a dress. 

I always take a little too long to decide if I should take a candy bar, or if I should eat lunch, if I should eat dinner, if I should even eat that day. And the sense of satisfaction that I feel from skipping meals.. I can't exactly call it happiness. Happiness is for something good and pure and feeling happy for starving myself, well, that's pretty twisted. Yet every time I actually eat all three meals a day I feel so guilty, so sick and angry at myself while that voice continues to mock me and tell me that I'm fat I'm fat I'm fat. 

Ah, I don't know. I don't know why and when I started being so mindful of this. 

But I hate that voice, I hate it so much. Just as I dislike my body. 

The past few days have been pretty great! 

On Saturday I went to the library and AHHH, I have to say it was the nicest feeling ever because I had my book fix hehehe finally!! And I borrowed Dear John (trying out a sad book this time!) but I couldn't resist a new Julia Quinn novel too. 

Sheng came at around noon and we watched movies on his laptop. We started watching Saw first, but we changed to Premium Rush after the first 8 minutes where two people were racing to cut off as many body parts as possible to prevent a nail from drilling into their brains through the temples. Ugh. 

After that we went to my mum's office (cuz she didn't want to work there alone adm yes that's my mum at the back) where we watched Catching Fire. I thought it was really captivating and exciting!! Nothing beats reading the book though. 

On Sunday I went for service (which was good even though I wasn't very used to the new pastor speaking!) and wasted the rest of the time away. Yu wan then came for durians and then we laze around and watched funny vines. 

In the evening The Gems and I celebrated Samie's birthday! It was so stressful slinking around in Nex (like Mission Impossible yknow) when she arrived and okay, for the first time my surprise actually worked (probably cuz the other girls were there to help) 

Introducing my friend for 11 years now!! Love you samsypansy :* 

Moving on. Monday, I also wasted away as I went to meet Nic and WenJieJie for Llaollao. My virgin llaollao experience!! It was pretty good. A bit overpriced though but I'd totally go back again :> 

A cute WJJ to brighten up this wordy post!

And in the evening I met Livs and Bel for my (also) virgin experience at ChompChomp! The food was so yum although the oil in the food there could've cooked my dinner for the next two years, eek. 

Olivia spent the whole of the train ride home spazzing about Seb and ah, it's such a nice fluffy feeling knowing that your best friend is happy :] 

School officially started today and nothing about this feeling is wonderful. Jc skirt is tight and pencil-y, I have to take Chinese which means extra lectures, project work (aka. Painful work) is a pain in the ass and I honestly do not like studying. But we all have to study and gah, I've long ago accepted that.

Hung out with sheng for a good dinner though after school, and that's the best part of school- seeing sheng. 

I know I know, overly-attached human alert but there are just some people whose company you just crave for and can't exactly live without.

Well. Today is actually the 8th month since our first date (not that I'm keeping track exactly) (kidding. It means a lot.) and I'd just like to give you a great big virtual hug, sheng, for always being my number one fan (idc if you're not. I say you are.) and for always listening to my nonsense and telling me your nonsense. Thank you for seeing my weird quirks as "cute" and for telling me I'm just the right size when I feel like I'm too pudgy. Thank you for always making me laugh, oh how I adore funny people like you. (Psst, you're still my favourite funny person though) 

I'll never stop looking at you like this 

Even though it looks hella gay. (So not cool.) 

My big fat heart is all yours. 

xxx

Sometimes I still do wonder about how different things would be if we were right for each other at the right time. 

http://tcat.tc/1j0gkNZ 

 

I love reading thought catalog. It makes me think about everything and even though thinking is tiring, thinking also makes me feel like a more accomplished individual. Haha. 

Exams are finally ending! It's definitely something worth celebrating. 

So, to celebrate the end of the last paper of my first exam in my new school, I'm going art-shopping tomorrow!! 

whoopeeee

Life is rosy :] 

Been a good long time

It's been so long since I hung out with Lebs cuz mr popular is always so busy with friends and family and church that lil old Rachel could hardly steal him away just for a bit but TADA. Finally. 

It wasn't a full day outing or anything (cuz he's gotta go to Bali tmr) but we had a nice pleasant time hehe 

We went to watch The Fault In Our Stars which was... Hmm. Okay I guess. 

I brought 3 packets of tissue out today but I didn't even use one (I'd expected to though!) quite proud of myself for not crying heheh *thumps chest* 

It was sad that Agustus died (I'm not spoiling anything right. Everyone knows that Agustus died right. Right?) but I think what really made me come closest to crying was when Hazel started crying. You see, I only feel like crying when I see people cry. Meh. 

Lebs didn't cry too HAHAH 

After that we went to explore around Kallang. The view was very pretty! You could see the CBD area from where we were in the picture above. 

Then we tried to take a selfie with the nice view but my hair kept flying into his face HAHAHA (look at pictures starting from the top left corner and go clockwise.) 

.... 

And that's all we did actually. We had a very good catching up session at Starbucks then I went home to study. 

I actually do miss that irritant a lot because he's been a close friend since sec... 2? 

Remember those good times lebs? 

(I cringed at this) 

Okay, stay safe in Bali, Lebs! Please don't fall into rivers and get eaten by sharks or whatever! 

xxx

Oh yeah, and I chopped quite a bit if my locks off ): sigh. But my hair feels fresh and nice now! 

New dress I bought from my shopping expedition with nic hehehe

You might think I'm exaggerating but I feel disappointment like a real punch in the gut. Like someone's just reached into your chest and squeezed your heart, and all you can say is "oh."

Because at that moment your mind couldn't function well enough with the disappointment stuck between your gears, to come up with a more kick-ass, intelligent response.

Because at that moment your heart feels so contracted all you can force out is a pathetic "oh." 

Well, at least you weren't totally speechless.

What makes me feel the stupidest is being disappointed at the littlest things that actually aren't worth being disappointed about. 

But how, how can these things make you feel that way if they aren't worth it? 

Caring for someone you love is hardly ever an obligation. When you love, you naturally care, I guess. But there will always be a point when my care starts to feel more like a burden rather than a comfort to someone I love, and I don't know how to balance how much care to show because of that ridiculously fine line between "aww you're so sweet" and "stop butting in" (not that any nice person would tell you that you're butting in, of course but these things can very obviously be felt).

I honestly love caring for people, being all motherly and "remember to drink your water, kids, it's a hot day!!" But I think I might go overboard sometimes, putting in so much effort, too much effort, and all I get is a big fat load of disappointment because I realise that people might not really appreciate it because I might be making things worse instead of better. 

And they would find me so bothersome, and that's the last thing I'd ever want.

Oh, Rachel. 

Stop thinking so much and go to bed.

1am thoughts

Pride used to stop me from so many things. 

Should I text you first?  

Maybe I shouldn't. 

Am I suppose to miss you? 

But it doesn't feel as if you miss me. 

Do I send you an I love you? 

You haven't sent me one though. 

I'll always want to prove to you that things stay the same even when you're not around,

that your presence doesn't make much of a difference to me.

But then that's not true. 

When the train moves, I fall

Because there isn't anyone to hold me steady. 

When I think of something funny, I don't laugh.

Because there isn't anyone to laugh with. 

When I'm having a bad day, I don't smile

Because you aren't there to make me.

Pride doesn't matter when it comes to you.

I'll always text you first simply because I want to talk to you.

I'll always miss you, more than you'll know. Even if you're gone for 5 minutes.

Because that's 5 minutes less of time with you.

And I'll always send you an I love you. 

Because I just do. 

With all my heart, I do.

Thankful

I had a really pleasant lunch with part of my class today at Just Acia. 

The food was mediocre but the company was superb!! 

I love my new class so much, or at least this adorable bunch right here who turned up. 

The girls are always segregated into their little cliques but I think it's wonderful how we all can still keep an easy conversation going when we're all put together! 

After lunch, Nic and I went shopping and, omg. We realised that after half a year of being friends, this was actually our first legit girl outing together, all prettied up and in town, doing girly things. 

Yay!! #Nichel progress hehe 

It was a very enjoyable time just listening to Nicole babble on and on about this dress and that and how she couldn't bear to put that dress down etc etc. 

It's so easy to be with Nic and I'm so ultra thankful for her! Haha :-) 

I tried to iron the strap of my white daisy romper this morning and it ended up melting so... Great excuse to hunt for more clothes! (Hehe sneaky me) 

There were so many pieces that I liked but some were really overpriced so I had to let it go ): 

Putting down an expensive dress you really want is one of the most painful things a girl could ever do. When I put down mine I could just see in my mind a rich girl walking past and picking it up and I'll be marching up to her and ripping that dress away from her hands like 

NO. MINE. I WEAR IT BETTER. 

I swear, clothes will be the death of people one day. 

Well if you can't buy it, at least take a photo of you in it.

I really liked this dress. I know it makes my hips look even more capable of child-bearing than it already is but IT WAS SO COMFORTABLE. 

And "SO COMFORTABLE" apprently came with the price of $49. 

I didn't get it in the end. 

I'm happy with what I got in the end though. It was money well spent :-) 

Nic got that blue floral romper in the picture up there and I'm so glad because that girl needs something other than black or white or black or black or black in her wardrobe. 

After shopping I caught How To Train Your Dragon 2 with Chen! 

It was REALLY GOOD. 

Toothless was so adorable and I just adored the whole show hehe and of course I adore the company as well! 

Thanks Neng for paying more today because of my post-shopping broke-ness :-) 

It was such a good day and even though I feel so guilty as heck for not touching my books at all, I have no regrets. 

I will study really hard tomorrow though, that's a promise to myself. 

Oh, and one more thing be thankful for- it was a good hair day. 

xxx

I strongly believe that people who love you would never hurt you intentionally. 

They would never ever hurt you intentionally. 

(:

I should really be sleeping but here's a little something I wrote. 

I know it's not good and the sentences are choppy but all the words and thoughts flooding through my mind, keeping me from sleeping had to be let out somewhere. 

Sleepless nights

I lay in bed

Legs so tired 

Body exhausted 

But my mind continues to work 

A restless, endless train of thought

Full of colours 

Full of sounds 

Each carriage holding a precious memory 

Of you and me 

The first time we went out 

My plan to surprise you failed

But the way you smiled at me 

With the little crinkles

at the side of your eyes 

With the endearing dimple 

On the right side of your cheek

You smiled at me 

Like I was the best part of your week.

I looked at you 

Your hair so mussed 

Clothes so wrinkled 

After a long day at work. 

Yet you stood there,

grinning at me

With your slightly crooked smile 

Just beaming at me.

Without a doubt, 

I knew that that was definitely

The best thing I've seen all day.

Then you said

You didn't care about my surprise,

You cared about me.

I knew then that

You might be

the best part of

My many weeks to come.

I remember one night 

We laid down on the grass

Side by side 

Shoulders lightly brushing 

Hands almost touching 

You told me about yourself 

Your friends and family 

Your likes and dislikes

I watched the play of emotions 

run across your face 

Every genuine feeling your eyes reveal 

I know nothing can replace

Pride,

Shining through your eyes

As you spoke about your parents.

Wistfulness,

As you spoke about your brother. 

Amusement,

Lighting up your face 

Just a hint of laughter in your voice

As you spoke about your friends.

A flash of hurt,

That grim acceptance

As you mentioned your past love. 

Disgust

Showing through the grimace your face held 

As you talked about 

prawns

Mean, bossy girls

Things that displease you.

The night was humid 

A tad bit uncomfortable.

Families, friends, couples 

Sprawled out on the grass 

All around us 

Having mindless conversations 

Soft tones, loud tones 

Hoarse tones, squeaky tones.

But in the midst of all that noise

I only heard your voice

Every delightful word 

sinking into the depths of my mind

Every lovely chuckle 

I keep close to my heart

There and then I made a vow to myself 

To make sure

That if you ever spoke about me 

People would see Love 

When they looked into your eyes.

The first time you held my hand

So shyly your fingers brushed mine 

So slowly our fingers intertwined 

So comforting 

Just a simple touch 

How did it make me feel so much? 

You drew me in closer

My heart beats faster 

Breathing gets harder 

I've always hated butterflies 

But they filled up my stomach 

Ever so quickly 

And for once in my life

The thought of them all aflutter

Didn't make me feel so prickly 

So tightly

You held me.

The scent of you 

Engulfing my senses 

Drilling its way 

Into the most precious parts 

of my memory

Warming the very depths 

Of my young soul.

To long for a person 

Who's right next to you 

Does that make sense?

I'm a lousy swimmer

But I would love to drown in your laughter 

I'm not much for keeping still 

But in your arms I'd be still forever 

Does that make sense?

Many things don't make sense

When it comes to you 

But then again

Love and common sense 

Have never been the best of friends

The first time your lips touched my cheek

So tender and sweet 

That feeling,

It tingled down to my feet 

This is it, I thought 

Everything I've read in love stories 

Finally happening to me,

Me

And it was you who kissed me, 

You 

I couldn't think of anyone better 

To take your place 

That was when I knew 

With perfect certainty

That you could actually be 

The best part of my life

The best part of me

Sleepless nights 

I lay in bed 

My train of thought

Finally fades

The last of it's remaining carriages

Disappearing from sight 

All still empty

As it awaits 

For more memories 

To be made.

You're my favourite animal

Went to the Singapore Zoo with Sheng yesterday! 

I've been reading so many blogs lately and some people describe the whole day so nicely while some just briefly speak about what happened and more about how they feel so now I really don't know which kind of blogger to be. Haha. 

The day started out great because I managed to cook the pasta (which was going to be our lunch at the zoo) on time and Sheng came on time too :-) 

We took about an hour to travel there and it was a pretty interesting bus ride cuz we got lost somewhere in the middle when the bus driver missed our stop (how ironic because that's actually suppose to be our job hahaha) but we got to the zoo eventually which is really an achievement for us both, considering the fact that the zoo is kept away in some deserted area at Mandai?!?!? And also because Sheng and I are both shit at directions so it's like the blind leading the blind. 

The weather was surprisingly pleasant. Well, it was really hot and humid actually but it could've been worse because the sun for the past few days were seriously scorching hot and then also, it could've rained but it didn't! Praise The Lord :-) (we both prayed before our trip)

Many of the animals were sleeping, probably because of the afternoon heat, much to our disappointment ): 

Especially the big cats which sheng was really excited to see. All the big cats were sleeping. Meh. 

I got to see my giraffes though! 

Wow. I love giraffes because they're so peace-loving and so.. Swag. Hahaha. 

Standing there and just watching them slowly munch on leaves is strangely therapeutic. And they move so so slowly like they've got all the time in the world. Makes me wonder if they ever run (it'll be really cool to see how much distance those long legs can eat up)

I brought my video camera along and we (mostly sheng) pretended to film a documentary, hahaha :-) 

And we took lots of photos of us posing as animals. 

I have concluded that Wee Sheng really looks like a monkey. 

In the end, we managed to see almost all the animals except the hiding ones and the penguins (we got lost mid-way while following the map and we were just too tired to continue walking in the end).

We managed to escape the late afternoon heat when we headed to KFC to eat our pasta 

Yup, that's it for the zoo trip!

I had such a good time and it was actually the very first time I'd gone to the zoo and not let the heat get the better of me because Sheng kept making me laugh throughout the whole tiring walk :-) 

Besides, it was a good hair day in spite of the humidity. Hehe. 

And if you've actually read this long post from the start to the end, congratulations because you get the link to Rachel and Sheng's Singapore Zoological Gardens Adventure (slash documentary)!! 

Http://youtu.be/tnxk-jsf_vA

YAYYY! Happy watching :-) 

(Psst, it's about 17 plus minutes long. And no worries, it's child-friendly.)

And sheng, if you're reading this, 

Thanks for everything. 

You're my all time favourite animal :*

Feels like home

It's been a long long time since I've seen her face and all her animated little expressions right in front of me. 

Or heard her chirpy voice in real life instead of just in the short flashbacks I frequently have in my mind. 

My best friend finally came back!!!! 

I mean, she'd left already (just today) but I'm so glad to have at least seen her face close up in real life again after 2 long years 

2  l o n g  y e a r s .

Teresa still smells the same and even though she's got a cute accent now, she still speaks in a way that is uniquely Teresa and GAH, I miss her so much already. 

Throughout her entire stay here in SG I got to see her the most often because I was there with both our secondary school friends  and our primary school friends 

And for that I'm really thankful :] 

I honestly started on this blogpost with nothing specific to talk about in mind because recounting the three days spent with her would be pretty tiring, and just a tad bit too sad for me because I know I'll have to wait a darn long time to see her again. 

So I'll just end with something Teresa told me. 

She said "Singapore feels more like home than Taiwan." 

And I really beamed at that. I keep that in my heart as it is sort of an assurance that she'll love singapore (and the people here hopefully) enough to always want to come back. 

Well, darling, I'll have you know that Singapore only feels like home to me when you're here.

Better than the best cupcake

Sheng came over to my house today and we decided to bake cupcakes. 

Oreo cupcakes with Buttercream frosting, to be specific. 

Everything went pretty good actually. (Take note that when I say everything, I'm not including the cupcakes)

It was really no sweat for me because Sheng did all the tough beating and creaming 

It got so tough at one point of time he was just singing The Scientist by Coldplay. 

Can we all just take a moment to imagine him beating the cream like a madman with his puffy hair flopping all around while he belts out "Nooooobody saaaaid it was eeeeasssehhhh"

The cupcakes came out tasting like crap, honestly. I've thought about what could've gone wrong and I realised that maybe it could be because we bought unsweetened cocoa powder instead of the sweetened one. Heh. 

The making of the cupcakes weren't so messy but when it came to the frosting... That's another story. 

First, after mixing the butter and sugar I accidentally pressed the mix button when the mixer wasn't in the bowl and IT WENT CRAZY AND STARTED SPEWING BUTTER EVERYWHERE. 

(Did I ever mention that I hate the smell of butter so so so much?)

Everything just went downhill after that.

Our frosting which was fluffy at first became all grainy 

(I swear things only started to become grainy when I passed the hand mixer to sheng) 

(Not that it's totally his fault) 

(Though mostly it is)

And the butter just started appearing in the bowl and it sort of looked like a swamp 

Look. LOOK. At the frosting. My goodness. 

We tried to use it anyway, the professional way where we scooped it and put it in a bag to squeeze 

And this is what we got 

Yup. Intestines on a cupcake. 

We'd do a fantastic job for making Hallowen cupcakes. 

I can't believe we were even talking about opening a SugarRuins Bakery (actually we were going to name Weechel or KingsOfRush but SugarRuins sounded better in the end) the only people who'll buy our cakes would be the producers for Fear Factor. 

We tried to make things better though, by using a different frosting method

Looks less poisonous now doesn't it. 

In the end we just smooshed the rest of the batter to make giant slabs of (hopefully edible) biscuits.

Yup. 

This is a definitely a shame to my A* baking history. 

I regeret nothing though, because I had my favourite person right next to me all through this (toxic production) baking experience, and it was nice to have someone to help me with the cleaning up hehe :] thanks Gaysheng. 

Don't know what I'd ever do without you 

:-) 

Canvas I

(Nicole drew this)

I've been dancing non-stop these few weeks and I really think I'm starting to fall in love with dance all over again. 

The perspiring, the bruises and the muscles aches- they all feel like coming home :-) 

So, the NYght was last Friday (2 May) and B-fab got 3rd place! 

I think that's pretty good for only about a few weeks of choreographing and practice. 

Oh yeah, if you don't know, B-fab is this 3 girl dance troupe consisting of Chenlyn, Sheryl and I.

It was a great experience, honestly. Everything was really rushed and there were so many last minute rehearsals and the stage in our school really sucks (you'll hear about this again late) BUT the feeling of performing on stage never grows old. 

There was a Mr and Ms Nanyang competition too!

Everyone went absolutely gaga for Max (Mr NY) and he is, of course easy on the eyes HAHA but I think Jaymie (Ms Nanyang) was really just. 

Wow. She looked like an angel. *v* 

Well, apparently we were the only dance group competing in the NYght so you could imagine how afraid I was to sing out loud during rehearsals when we're just sitting around waiting for our turn. 

There's this one acapella group Vocal Threads which I'm pretty crazy about. They are soooo good. We could all just be sitting around then one of them would start singing then BAM the rest would join in and harmonize with the base and the soprano and whatever choir terms blah I'm bad at this.

To end of this part of the post, I'd like to show you guys my Mr Nanyang

HAHAHAHAHA #lame 

Watched both the TJ and VJ dance concert a few days after the NYght and wow.  They all set the standard so high and I was feeling kinda nervous for Canvas I cuz we have to be as good, if not better. Heh. 

Anyway, both concerts were very enjoyable and it was sort of like a TK reunion HAHA I miss all my old friends (': 

It was wonderful to see my girls too. I miss them so much. AND. We are extremely stoked that TERESA IS COMING BACK NEXT MONTH WOOHOOOOOOO 

Can't wait hehe. 

Now. About Canvas I. 

Our last rehearsal (the day before the concert) was absolutely atrocious. So bad that halfway through the J1 item, our dance coach covered his face till the end of our dance. I prayed and prayed all night and really thank God Saturday went well :D 

All my friends came for the afternoon show! Bel said I was so in character that she couldn't find me (because my dance is pretty solemn and for once I didn't smile my hugeass Rachel smile) and coming from a dancer I think it's quite a compliment so I felt pretty accomplished hehe.

(I'm the second person on the front row OMG my back looks amazing here, no? #shameless)

During the finale I finally spotted my friends and gahhh I was so excited.

The dancers were released directly from the stage and guess who I saw firsttttt 

(I really love this picture :>) 

Daniel came for the night show! Well, he didn't exactly come for me *wiggles eyebrows* but I was glad I got to see that irritant after such a long time. 

So anyway to all who came, really, a huge huge thank you for coming even though I was only in one item. 

especially Chen Neng because.. Omg I just didn't think he would want to come for a dance concert hahaha. #muchlove 

And special thanks to Kevin, who got me broccoli hehe yum. 

My parents went off really quickly ): so I didn't get a picture with them, but they said they were very proud of me and that honestly gave me warm fuzzies in my heart because I think making your parents proud is just one of the best feelings in the world.

I'm posting this picture just because bel is my bestest friend HAHAH *makes heart shape sign over head*

And of course, to the dancers. It was such a joy to dance with y'all! I think Canvas I really brought us much closer and ahhhh, just. 

Love you guys. 

Especially you Nicoleywoley!! 

Thanks for encouraging me when I'm all sluggish during lessons after dance.Your smile can really brighten up anyone's day! 

At the end of everything, Sheng came to send me home :] 

Thanks for being my biggest fan gaysheng! Love you, heh.