You might think I'm exaggerating but I feel disappointment like a real punch in the gut. Like someone's just reached into your chest and squeezed your heart, and all you can say is "oh."

Because at that moment your mind couldn't function well enough with the disappointment stuck between your gears, to come up with a more kick-ass, intelligent response.

Because at that moment your heart feels so contracted all you can force out is a pathetic "oh." 

Well, at least you weren't totally speechless.

What makes me feel the stupidest is being disappointed at the littlest things that actually aren't worth being disappointed about. 

But how, how can these things make you feel that way if they aren't worth it? 

Caring for someone you love is hardly ever an obligation. When you love, you naturally care, I guess. But there will always be a point when my care starts to feel more like a burden rather than a comfort to someone I love, and I don't know how to balance how much care to show because of that ridiculously fine line between "aww you're so sweet" and "stop butting in" (not that any nice person would tell you that you're butting in, of course but these things can very obviously be felt).

I honestly love caring for people, being all motherly and "remember to drink your water, kids, it's a hot day!!" But I think I might go overboard sometimes, putting in so much effort, too much effort, and all I get is a big fat load of disappointment because I realise that people might not really appreciate it because I might be making things worse instead of better. 

And they would find me so bothersome, and that's the last thing I'd ever want.

Oh, Rachel. 

Stop thinking so much and go to bed.

1am thoughts

Pride used to stop me from so many things. 

Should I text you first?  

Maybe I shouldn't. 

Am I suppose to miss you? 

But it doesn't feel as if you miss me. 

Do I send you an I love you? 

You haven't sent me one though. 

I'll always want to prove to you that things stay the same even when you're not around,

that your presence doesn't make much of a difference to me.

But then that's not true. 

When the train moves, I fall

Because there isn't anyone to hold me steady. 

When I think of something funny, I don't laugh.

Because there isn't anyone to laugh with. 

When I'm having a bad day, I don't smile

Because you aren't there to make me.

Pride doesn't matter when it comes to you.

I'll always text you first simply because I want to talk to you.

I'll always miss you, more than you'll know. Even if you're gone for 5 minutes.

Because that's 5 minutes less of time with you.

And I'll always send you an I love you. 

Because I just do. 

With all my heart, I do.

Thankful

I had a really pleasant lunch with part of my class today at Just Acia. 

The food was mediocre but the company was superb!! 

I love my new class so much, or at least this adorable bunch right here who turned up. 

The girls are always segregated into their little cliques but I think it's wonderful how we all can still keep an easy conversation going when we're all put together! 

After lunch, Nic and I went shopping and, omg. We realised that after half a year of being friends, this was actually our first legit girl outing together, all prettied up and in town, doing girly things. 

Yay!! #Nichel progress hehe 

It was a very enjoyable time just listening to Nicole babble on and on about this dress and that and how she couldn't bear to put that dress down etc etc. 

It's so easy to be with Nic and I'm so ultra thankful for her! Haha :-) 

I tried to iron the strap of my white daisy romper this morning and it ended up melting so... Great excuse to hunt for more clothes! (Hehe sneaky me) 

There were so many pieces that I liked but some were really overpriced so I had to let it go ): 

Putting down an expensive dress you really want is one of the most painful things a girl could ever do. When I put down mine I could just see in my mind a rich girl walking past and picking it up and I'll be marching up to her and ripping that dress away from her hands like 

NO. MINE. I WEAR IT BETTER. 

I swear, clothes will be the death of people one day. 

Well if you can't buy it, at least take a photo of you in it.

I really liked this dress. I know it makes my hips look even more capable of child-bearing than it already is but IT WAS SO COMFORTABLE. 

And "SO COMFORTABLE" apprently came with the price of $49. 

I didn't get it in the end. 

I'm happy with what I got in the end though. It was money well spent :-) 

Nic got that blue floral romper in the picture up there and I'm so glad because that girl needs something other than black or white or black or black or black in her wardrobe. 

After shopping I caught How To Train Your Dragon 2 with Chen! 

It was REALLY GOOD. 

Toothless was so adorable and I just adored the whole show hehe and of course I adore the company as well! 

Thanks Neng for paying more today because of my post-shopping broke-ness :-) 

It was such a good day and even though I feel so guilty as heck for not touching my books at all, I have no regrets. 

I will study really hard tomorrow though, that's a promise to myself. 

Oh, and one more thing be thankful for- it was a good hair day. 

xxx

I strongly believe that people who love you would never hurt you intentionally. 

They would never ever hurt you intentionally. 

(:

I should really be sleeping but here's a little something I wrote. 

I know it's not good and the sentences are choppy but all the words and thoughts flooding through my mind, keeping me from sleeping had to be let out somewhere. 

Sleepless nights

I lay in bed

Legs so tired 

Body exhausted 

But my mind continues to work 

A restless, endless train of thought

Full of colours 

Full of sounds 

Each carriage holding a precious memory 

Of you and me 

The first time we went out 

My plan to surprise you failed

But the way you smiled at me 

With the little crinkles

at the side of your eyes 

With the endearing dimple 

On the right side of your cheek

You smiled at me 

Like I was the best part of your week.

I looked at you 

Your hair so mussed 

Clothes so wrinkled 

After a long day at work. 

Yet you stood there,

grinning at me

With your slightly crooked smile 

Just beaming at me.

Without a doubt, 

I knew that that was definitely

The best thing I've seen all day.

Then you said

You didn't care about my surprise,

You cared about me.

I knew then that

You might be

the best part of

My many weeks to come.

I remember one night 

We laid down on the grass

Side by side 

Shoulders lightly brushing 

Hands almost touching 

You told me about yourself 

Your friends and family 

Your likes and dislikes

I watched the play of emotions 

run across your face 

Every genuine feeling your eyes reveal 

I know nothing can replace

Pride,

Shining through your eyes

As you spoke about your parents.

Wistfulness,

As you spoke about your brother. 

Amusement,

Lighting up your face 

Just a hint of laughter in your voice

As you spoke about your friends.

A flash of hurt,

That grim acceptance

As you mentioned your past love. 

Disgust

Showing through the grimace your face held 

As you talked about 

prawns

Mean, bossy girls

Things that displease you.

The night was humid 

A tad bit uncomfortable.

Families, friends, couples 

Sprawled out on the grass 

All around us 

Having mindless conversations 

Soft tones, loud tones 

Hoarse tones, squeaky tones.

But in the midst of all that noise

I only heard your voice

Every delightful word 

sinking into the depths of my mind

Every lovely chuckle 

I keep close to my heart

There and then I made a vow to myself 

To make sure

That if you ever spoke about me 

People would see Love 

When they looked into your eyes.

The first time you held my hand

So shyly your fingers brushed mine 

So slowly our fingers intertwined 

So comforting 

Just a simple touch 

How did it make me feel so much? 

You drew me in closer

My heart beats faster 

Breathing gets harder 

I've always hated butterflies 

But they filled up my stomach 

Ever so quickly 

And for once in my life

The thought of them all aflutter

Didn't make me feel so prickly 

So tightly

You held me.

The scent of you 

Engulfing my senses 

Drilling its way 

Into the most precious parts 

of my memory

Warming the very depths 

Of my young soul.

To long for a person 

Who's right next to you 

Does that make sense?

I'm a lousy swimmer

But I would love to drown in your laughter 

I'm not much for keeping still 

But in your arms I'd be still forever 

Does that make sense?

Many things don't make sense

When it comes to you 

But then again

Love and common sense 

Have never been the best of friends

The first time your lips touched my cheek

So tender and sweet 

That feeling,

It tingled down to my feet 

This is it, I thought 

Everything I've read in love stories 

Finally happening to me,

Me

And it was you who kissed me, 

You 

I couldn't think of anyone better 

To take your place 

That was when I knew 

With perfect certainty

That you could actually be 

The best part of my life

The best part of me

Sleepless nights 

I lay in bed 

My train of thought

Finally fades

The last of it's remaining carriages

Disappearing from sight 

All still empty

As it awaits 

For more memories 

To be made.