It's going to be so hard to tell you all these things that I told myself I should say to you. 

But before yesterday, I think I didn't really realise how much I was hurting myself. 

This camp has made me realise so many things and frankly, I can't remember the last time I cried so much. 

I didn't believe I had anymore tears to spare after yesterday but surprisingly I do, and if I could, I think I could cry until my tear ducts shrivel up and that still wouldn't make this achy feeling in my heart go away. 

I suppose time will heal, but the time now is just so, so painful. 

Everything, the sessions, the messages, heck, even my Quiet Time devotional books, key verses of the day. Everything is just telling me: Rachel, do what you know is right. 

Oh dear Lord, why does it have to be so hard. 

I have lesser care for my own bottled up emotions because I care so much more for yours. I'd much rather live with butterflies for the rest of my life than to have you feel what I'm feeling right now. 

This conflicting feeling, it's horrible. It's a constant niggling feeling that remains at the back of my mind, no matter what I'm doing. 

It just chants over and over again "do it Rachel do it Rachel" and it's driving me crazy. 

It's going to drive me crazier if I don't tell you anything because I don't know how long I can keep it in. 

And I'm afraid if I keep it in for too long I might say things wrongly. It's like walking on a thin thin thread, one wrong step, one wrong word, and I might just lose you forever. 

If I had to let go of you for just a period of time until things are steadier, I think I could stand that. 

But I don't think I could stand losing you forever, you understand?