You might think I'm exaggerating but I feel disappointment like a real punch in the gut. Like someone's just reached into your chest and squeezed your heart, and all you can say is "oh."

Because at that moment your mind couldn't function well enough with the disappointment stuck between your gears, to come up with a more kick-ass, intelligent response.

Because at that moment your heart feels so contracted all you can force out is a pathetic "oh." 

Well, at least you weren't totally speechless.

What makes me feel the stupidest is being disappointed at the littlest things that actually aren't worth being disappointed about. 

But how, how can these things make you feel that way if they aren't worth it? 

Caring for someone you love is hardly ever an obligation. When you love, you naturally care, I guess. But there will always be a point when my care starts to feel more like a burden rather than a comfort to someone I love, and I don't know how to balance how much care to show because of that ridiculously fine line between "aww you're so sweet" and "stop butting in" (not that any nice person would tell you that you're butting in, of course but these things can very obviously be felt).

I honestly love caring for people, being all motherly and "remember to drink your water, kids, it's a hot day!!" But I think I might go overboard sometimes, putting in so much effort, too much effort, and all I get is a big fat load of disappointment because I realise that people might not really appreciate it because I might be making things worse instead of better. 

And they would find me so bothersome, and that's the last thing I'd ever want.

Oh, Rachel. 

Stop thinking so much and go to bed.